We need to stop normalizing thinking about relationships this way
Opinion/Society and Media - 4 minutes
Emily Dickinson never married with many speculations as to why from her sexuality to her strange personality that kept her hidden away in her bedroom. In the popular Apple TV+ series ‘Dickinson’ (2019-2021), we meet a young Emily Dickinson (played by Hailee Steinfeld) who is pursued as a love interest by George Gould (played by Samuel Farnsworth) in the first episode. Emily explains to George that she will never marry him or anyone as being with someone would impede on her writing “little by little.” Throughout the season there is a tone that to be in a relationship is to be a servant to another—specifically for women. Back in the 1850s, this would have been a fair argument, however, this sentiment is not just common today, it seems to be upheld by both men and women.
In the 1977 song ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac, frontwoman Stevie Nicks opens with the line, “Now here you go again you say you want your freedom.” The song came from their album ‘Rumours’ which has sold over 40 million copies worldwide. While I love the album, it’s all about the toxic relationships between the bandmembers, and this line gives a pretty good idea (to an extent) of how they viewed their relationships.
Comedian Taylor Tomlinson talked about getting engaged for a brief stint of time in her first comedy special ‘Quarter-Life Crisis’ (2020) where she jokes that the engagement ring kept getting caught on things like “sweaters” and her “freedom”.
While I do think for the most part these are meant to be innocent, they do touch on a serious issue in society. This is the idea that if you get into a relationship, you have to give up your freedom. However, this is a problematic idea that has turned polyamory into the ideal for relationships. While polyamory is fine for a certain group of people, it is not ideal for raising children.
One reddit user asked people that grew up with parents in polyamorous relationships what it was like, and the responses were pretty revealing.
“To be honest, it was really rough,” one reddit user wrote in response. “Not only did my parents pursue people that I had already known (such as my classmates' parents), but from time to time they would get very serious with one of their other partners. My mom in particular was in a secondary relationship with another woman from the time I was 3 until I was 14 years old. She was basically like a second mother to me, and when it finally all "blew up", I never saw her again and began to feel like it was a problem with me and not my parents.”
“My observations are that a lot of kids who grow up in what the adults considered to be poly households just thought of it as ‘dad is banging the babysitter’ ‘mom has a special friend,’” another reddit user wrote. “Not everybody, obviously, but I think a lot of what goes on in sex positive circles, and has gone on since the 70s, is fundamentally about adults. Children are an afterthought. Not everyone, not always, but the Heinleinian fantasy of sexually liberated emotionally stable adults raising children together? I've never seen it and I have seen a LOT of poly.”
The reality is polyamory isn’t automatically going to strengthen your relationship and a relationship is not about losing your freedom but rather about gaining respect for your partner. You actually do have the freedom to cheat on your partner any time you want. It is your respect for them that keeps you from doing it. You don’t do things for your partner because you have to do things for them. You do things for them because you want to help your partner. If you feel a lack of freedom in a relationship, you’re not alone. A simple online search for ‘relationships and losing freedom’ reveals pages of articles like, “Do You Fear Losing Your Freedom In Relationships?” “afraid of losing your freedom in a relationship? this could be why!” and “I explained that it wasn't him, it was my fear of losing my freedom”.
A relationship is not prison. If you feel you are losing your freedom, then you and your partner have some work to do, and that’s okay. However, we need to stop normalizing this idea in society and in media that you lose your freedom in a relationship, because that’s only normal in bad relationships.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this article, be sure to like, share, and subscribe. If you would like to help support independent journalism in Kansas, you can now leave a tip at buymeacoffee.com.